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- 2007-11-13 22:16:19 - How to build a cobblestone house
- He huffed and he puffed and he blew the house down - certainly not if the house was built with cobblestones. Building cobblestone houses was a folk art that flourished in upstate New York from 1825 until the Civil War in 1860. Many of the 700+ cobblestone homes that were built survive today, a testament to their fine craftsmanship.To build your cobblestone house you'll need 5 main component...
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- 2007-11-13 22:16:19 - The jokes on you -- who should be the butt of your jokes?
- This article was prompted by something I heard (second hand) about the performance of a local magician at a child's birthday party. Now, granted, this wasn't done by a clown, but I've seen clowns doing similar things. As one of his tricks, he has a child (a young girl approximately 9 years old) holding two handkerchiefs knotted together. He pulls her hands apart, and instead of a third handkerchie...
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- 2007-11-13 22:16:19 - He had it coming, your honor
- This past week as Mr. Man and I lounged around our sprawling estate, I realized that my life is just way too laid back. What with our perfect children, our incredible level of financial independence and perfect hard bodies, I felt inspired to do something to shake things up a bit."Hey, Mr. Man," I said to my sweet Baboo, "What do you say we get up real early in the morning and drive two hou...
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- 2007-11-13 22:16:19 - The worlds first comedian?
- If you ever saw Aristophanes live on stage, you must be sincerely old. That's because he appeared around 400 B.C., and back then the videos were pretty bad.This amazing Greek dramatist knew how to communicate through comedy. Like present-day humorists, much of his work focused on current events or politicians.What can we learn from this ancient wordsmith?1. Humor can be a grea...
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- 2007-11-13 22:16:19 - Eye spy potatoes
- Lately I've had the problem of falling asleep with my contact lenses still in my eyes. And by "lately," I mean for the past seven years. This, in a lot of ways, is the pinnacle of laziness because the removal of contacts takes no more than a minute or two, or three hours if it's your first time. But I've come to the conclusion this morning that there is a reason I fail to remove the contacts: deep...
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- 2007-11-13 22:16:19 - Coffee tips (and the elimination thereof)
- I have recently become frustrated with something at doughnut establishments, and I'm not referring to the scones, although -- seriously -- just think about the writing possibilities if I were. Rather, it's the tip cup that bothers me...To begin, I do realize that doughnut (or donut, take your pick) shops aren't the only places with these cups. But for the sake of this column, I need to be o...
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- 2007-11-13 22:16:19 - A lawyers favorite lawyer jokes
- Lawyer JokesQ: How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?A: She has an extreme craving for baloney.Q: What is the legal definition of "Appeal"?A: Something a person slips on in a grocery store.Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?A: To practice.Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 12?A: Your Hono...
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- 2007-11-13 22:16:19 - Bed bugs bite
- I just turned on the news a minute ago and wondered why there weren't news flashes regarding when -- and perhaps where -- people are turning on the news. Sometimes it is a slow news week, and there's not much to read in Newsweek, so maybe this could take up some space. I think that's how Neptune got there...What I am really wondering, though, is how bed bugs got their reputation. Don't worr...
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- 2007-11-13 22:16:19 - Starbucks going into hilton
- Well, I hope you did not read that headline wrong, Crew Member Starbucks is not doing Paris Hilton. What I am saying here is Starbucks will now be offered in some Hilton Hotels. Just think you can watch Paris the skinny blonde babe on your infomercial in room TV ad for a Starbucks, run down to the lobby to and buy a fattening Frappachino.Imagine the benefits of having Starbucks in your room...
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- 2007-11-13 22:16:19 - The hidden driveway
- I won't lie: there are a lot of things I want in life, and some of them I'd even pay for. Rather than listing them in some aimless order so that I can feel bad about not having these things, I will instead focus on one thing that is actually attainable: a hidden driveway...I've wanted a hidden driveway for as long as I can remember, which is sometime between yesterday and tomorrow. I was dr...
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- 2007-11-13 22:16:19 - When humans and dogs collide: negotiations for todays changing times
- This morning I decided to find myself. I originally looked forward to the spiritual journey that would define who I was as a person. But then I looked into my mirror and realized that the person I saw in that mirror was me. So I then figured, why spend all this time finding myself when I already know where I am?Since I allotted around 80 years for this quest and finished it in about eight s...
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- 2007-11-13 22:16:19 - Valet parking: theft with consent
- This column is long overdue. To put it in library terms, which I guess I already did (but I'd like to elaborate), this column is like checking out a book in 1998 but not returning it until yesterday. And by yesterday, I really mean tomorrow. This analogy will only grow as time continues because yesterday and tomorrow are both relative terms. I can't wait until the space creatures read this in the ...
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- 2007-11-13 22:16:19 - Sell [your] phones
- Today while driving I saw a young girl, probably around 11 years old, on a cell phone. She was walking along the side of the street talking to someone, and I couldn't help but think that maybe she was talking to someone across the street because she wasn't allowed to cross it. Whatever the reason, though, there is something about an 11-year-old on a cell phone that legitimately scares me, and it h...
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- 2007-11-13 22:16:19 - Its all about seeing the signs
- Ace of Base hasn't seen the sign for quite some time now, but that doesn't stop the rest of us from doing so. In fact, on a regular basis, I see a lot of signs - and I don't like most of them. With that in mind, I thought I'd take this week's column to reveal a few examples:Caution: Children at Play: Why are we supposed to be cautioned of this - in case they need a steady quarterback? Or, a...
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- 2007-11-13 22:16:19 - Got originality?
- There are many ways to be original these days. But unfortunately I cannot reveal any of these ways because the followers would then not be original, would they? Now, I realize that somewhere between one to two people would have followed the advice I gave, but just in case my calculations were off - and it turns out three would have followed - I need to be careful about what I write ?One slo...
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- 2007-11-13 22:16:19 - Essential laughter
- Take time to laugh at yourself and the ridiculous in life. It is so refreshing to just laugh at your slips, peculiarities, forgetfulness, and fumbles. Humor has the power to dull the sharp edges of life and is a great tension reliever. Laughter stimulates the soul and boosts the immune system.There are medical researchers who assert that laughter reduces levels of certain stress hormones. B...
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- 2007-11-13 22:16:19 - Maybelle misfire joins mega corp
- To: Maybelle Misfire From: I. M.. Power, VP Welcome aboard! Delighted you have accepted a position as planning analyst with Mega Corp. See you in September, as they say.To: Maybelle Misfire From: Nefarious Airlines We are sorry to learn that Fluffy feels humiliated if her cat carrier is marked "Excess Baggage."Please remember that, in proportion to her size, Fluffy ha...
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- 2007-11-13 22:16:19 - Beyond black and white
- Over visiting a neighbor the other day?"Would you like a cup of coffee?" he asks. "I just roasted the latest batch.""Yes. Coffee sounds great.""How do you take it?" he asks as he grinds the beans."Black; no sugar, no milk.""Well, we have no milk anyway, only cream.""In that case, I'll have it...
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- 2007-11-13 22:16:19 - Slip-sliding on a peel
- Every day, or at least every other day, we make a fruit smoothie at mid morning. Almost without fail, these smoothies contain bananas; so, we go through about 10 or 12 bananas a week. Depending on my mood or the availability, these smoothies may also contain mango, papaya, pineapple, coconut or whatever other fresh fruit comes our way plus ice, water and the blender. Maybe also yoghurt or wheat ge...
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- 2007-11-13 22:16:19 - Freudian slippage
- Saturday morning. I went, in the early morning, to the farmer's market to get our supply of fruits and veggies, leaving Sandra to sleep in. I have strolled up and down, stopping at various vendors to buy the things that appeal to me today and my 2 bags are bulging. This is a process I always enjoy.The noise of the vendors extolling the virtues of their produce; the smells and colors, the re...
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- 2007-11-13 22:16:19 - To see or not to see
- I went to the eye doctor the other day. I thought it was time to have my eyes checked. It turned out to also be a reality picture checkup.I enter the office to be greeted by the receptionist, "Can I help you?""I hope so." I reply, "I'd like to have the doctor check my eyes and write me a prescription so I can get some new glasses.""He can't see you today," the receptionist tel...
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- 2007-11-13 22:16:19 - Finding lost children
- A couple of days ago I had to go to a dealership to get my car fixed. I am not implying that I don't want my car to have children, because who am I to make that choice? More so, I was sent a letter about a recall on one of the parts (the hazards, actually), meaning that the dealership was obligated to fix my car while I watched television and drank free coffee from a vending machine?"This i...
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- 2007-11-13 22:16:19 - Humans are like monkeys
- Humans think much like monkeys and other primates, not much different in their abilities to reason. Why is this? We mimic, copy, imitate that which we see. This is a common thing that all higher primates do, including us. But if we would stop and think and allow original uninhibited thought to flow without fear of being chastised, cast out, imprisoned, punished, ridiculed or made example of, then ...
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- 2007-11-13 22:16:19 - Very precise fortune cookies
- I cracked open the fortune cookie and read the little slip of paper on the inside. Immediately I realized that it had been written by a weather forecaster."You will be approached in the late afternoon by a pink polka-dot octopus..."It continued on the other side: "... and asked to provide details of your application for a yellow cloud mulching permit."Two things struck me abou...
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- 2007-11-13 22:16:19 - Playing go-between in the digital age
- NOTE: This article was originally published in May 2000 at *spark-online.com when my grandmother was alive. I came across the link from my Web site and, after debating whether or not to change anything, decided to leave it. As Jadzia Dax said in STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE, "If you want to know who you are, it's important to know who you've been." Of course, Edna Mode in THE INCREDIBLES SAYS, "I ne...
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- 2007-11-13 22:16:19 - Silver linings are everywhere
- Viagra. That one word packs a lot of punch. Let's face it; there is little that has been derided more than Viagra. On the talk shows, it has been the butt of more jokes than Michael Jackson and Saddam Hussein combined. For example:(OK, OK. I admit I was going to share an example or two, but I couldn't find any clean enough to pass my censor's well-trained eyes.)Of course, if you are ...
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- 2007-11-13 22:16:19 - Internet is my true agent
- You know the type -- that doodling type. Every time there is a pen and paper on the table, they will be sketching something down, with a mysterious smile, giggling quietly and making funny faces. Vlad Kolarov is no exception -- however, he has built a carrier out of his funny habit. If you are no Internet stranger, probably you have already seen his work. It might be a Yahoo ecard, or a funny cart...
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- 2007-11-13 22:16:19 - Cloning advantage super families
- As the cloning debate of humankind continues we find ourselves in an interesting predicament. We see the need of self to extend past one's own lifetime as an innate characteristic; self-preservation has always been one of mankind's greatest drivers of motivation. World Religions in their haste to rally group support and social order amongst the masses have in fact been able to capitalize on this t...
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- 2007-11-13 22:16:19 - Lactose intolerant? it could be a good thing
- Lactose Intolerant Individuals may prove a bonus in Space Missions. Lactose intolerant individuals have huge problems with gas from the inability to process certain dairy products and foods. Therefore such an individual after eating will create gas, methane, which could be used as fuel. There are methane based fuel cell units available and a few companies, which have such portable devices now. And...
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- 2007-11-13 22:16:19 - If real people ran the bank - i (a spoof for the heart)
- Banish Loans ForeverIf ordinary, hard-working, people ran the bank... the very first thing to get rid of would be loans. Absolutely no more loans!Because once they're gone, there wouldn't be any more:- Due dates- Interest charges - at any rate of interest- Late fees or penalties- Liens- Applications or rejections- Credit reports [Old joke - I...
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